Sexcapades with Renee

Selfish people are hard to love aren’t they? And I think most of us have no clear or accurate picture of who we are. And I think that we asses others poorly too. I think that is because we value them according to our need and based upon our inaccurate understanding of ourselves.

Oh shit does this make any sense?

I think I am kind and generous. I see myself as long suffering and tender from the heart. But over and over again I am informed by folks that I am impatient and selfish. Too boot, lately,I see a fat lazy whore in the mirror. Well what the fuck am I all about.

I have this little blog and I have done nothing but waste your time bitching about my life to you. I have a talent in writing and I almost never write to any of you any more.

I think I have to be in love with a man and be desirous to explain myself to him in order to write. But that is not true though when I am in that state of mind… my writing flows and reads well as you will see if you read through this blog.

Through out my life I have done nothing but deceive myself about myself. I once developed THE CONSTITUTION OF ME. I had so many principles and respect for others. Then over time….I trampled under each and every one of my declarations about me. I sort of amended over and over again.

One declaration I made about me was that I would never sleep with my girlfriends beau. The first time I amended I was overwhelmed by my girlfriends beau. I was about 13 and he was in his 30’s. I didn’t know I could say no as you will learn if you read through this blog of mine.

The faulty, devalued and evil feelings that made themselves at home inside of my conscience called for even more amendments to take place so that I could bear to live myself. I became untrustworthy to me.

Finally after 30 or 40 years of breaking my own rules. Rules that I held dearly and developed to live by…..I find the only thing I can trust is that I am not trustworthy. I say I love God, and I do. But do I give him any honor or bring glory to his name or for his sake. The answer to that question is absolutely NO

I love my friend but I don’t like her often times. I love myself? but I don’t like me most of the time.

I ache for love and can’t find it anywhere. Once Mark the webmaster said, perhaps when in the past I had found true love, I didn’t recognize it. He is right.

So now Master Dave has a new slave. I found myself harping on him to be sure to give her attention or she would become anxious. He replied that he was too busy and that she is already anxious. I felt and expressed to him how important is to me that he does well with her because I want her to be happy with him.

I believe that is and expression of love. On the heals of that, I slept with my best friends beau. Whatever the complexities damn I did it.

There is something to this being responsible for your actions and choices. I get disgusted when I hear someone say, “I take full responsibility” for the ugly turn out of a situation. What are they saying. It is an empty phrase that has no meaning. Or explain it to me.

Now then I live so far below my potential and while I am busy doing that..I feel like I am treading water in my life. Does the dilemma that I am trying to reveal make sense to you? I am finding that it is taking so much effort to live well below my capabilities when it should be very easy to do.

And on the other hand, I could be doing so much with my life and it is too much effort. OK THEN it takes all my effort to live below my potential but it is too much effort for me, it seems, to live with in my capacity.

ugh

I make it harder than it has to be.

Is it really that hard to be disciplined. To take care of myself. To tend to me as though I am of great value? No one else will tend to me as though I have any value if I don’t.

What is problem with spending my money in a responsible way? Or exercise and eat healthy? If you did a micro look at those aspect of me you would think that I am trying to kill myself. I am actually. Slow death by irresponsibility and disrespect for me. If I don’t have respect for me……neither will anyone else.

I’ve got some nerve judging other people and pretending I don’t.

I am a very strong woman and yet I let people walk all over me. I don’t stand up for myself and I wont draw a boundary that protect me. I let people sway me or use me or lie to me with out consequence to the relationship.  I doubt I am making sense with all these many words,

I am morally challenged. But I have to wonder, who makes these morals that I am supposed to take allegiance to? Do these morals come from within me and my shame based understandings or from some external entity like perhaps God, society, AA or what have you. Well I feel shame and a great distance between myself and any morals.

I pretty much do what I want to do at the moment and then look to others to do the right thing or be judged by me and my morals which suddenly have such great form and governing powers.

OMG

does any of this make any sense to you? It does to me.

I know I am rambling from one thought and then to the next unrelated thought but that is what happens when I wont write without inspiration.

I haven’t meant to be negative with all these many words only to reveal more of to all of you. I am trying to be clear about the mixed up me that you all don’t know.

let us take a break and look at me. The picture quality is not there as it was a cheap camera phone but the sentiment is what I am going after.

AM I A BBW? OR AM I JUST PUDGY? OR AM I FAT SLOB. OR AM I Curvaceous.

hey lets look at my tits before and after!

  Everyone told me that my tits were wonderful and that I should not get them altered. But I did it because I wanted them to be perky and BIG. Funny most would say I have big titis and to me they are average. As you can see the natural tits were large but they hung in the wrong place. I was constantly lifting them up and putting them back where they should have been.

Now I feel as though I am normal. Enough of a coffee break from my inner most thoughts and understandings.

All of this that I write today has been INSPIRED by my best friend who is driving me crazy.

the good the bad and the ugly         

   When I used to go to church we had a little joke, it went like this: I would do something that challenged your patience and immediately afterward I would say, “You got love me!”  and as you know a good Christian loves unconditionally, just like Christ does.         

ok then we’ll get together again real soon.